Of course this is what Thanksgiving looks like!
This just in: England doesn’t actually celebrate Thanksgiving. A tragic oversight that only serves to introduce all sorts of problems, such as Christmas decorations appearing in stores in early October and people having their trees up already (the horror!). To help our British friends understand it all, I have prepared this short item to dispel some common Thanksgiving misconceptions.
Myth: Thanksgiving is just another day to celebrate America’s independence from Britain.
Fact: The first Thanksgiving (1621) was a harvest celebration after the Pilgrims survived their fist winter in North America; the fact that they left Britain for America is just a coincidence. Now it is a celebration of two of America’s most cherished deadly sins: gluttony and sloth.
Myth: But still, Thanksgiving celebrations could more accurately be called “Thank God We’re Not British” celebrations.
Fact: Vitriolic anti-British screed accounts for only 80 percent of traditional Thanksgiving fun, at best. The other 20 percent is eating pumpkin pie.
Myth: Thanksgiving is a day for American families to gather together and reflect on their blessings.
Fact: Thanksgiving is a day for American families to highlight and further solidify their gender roles. Persons of the female persuasion spend most of the day in the kitchen, and the men are just as dedicated to their traditional duty of watching football all day.
This is because American men are only permitted to cook outdoors and as late November is generally too cold to barbecue, their hands are tied—TIED!—unless, praise be, there is some turkey deep-frying to do.
Myth: So men’s Thanksgiving activities center primarily around watching television.
Fact: Men’s Thanksgiving activities center primarily around watching television while drinking.*
Myth: American football players are wimps; just look at all that padding.
Fact: American football (aka “real football”) players wear padding because they prefer to not actually die during course of play.
Myth: The Pilgrims ate turkey at the first Thanksgiving.
Fact: The Pilgrims were vegetarian. They ate vegetarian meatballs and they liked it.
Incidentally, this is exactly what we’re having at our Thank God We’re Not British celebration this weekend. And you’re invited! I can’t promise you available seating, but chances are good that I will accidentally sing my personal Ode to Pumpkin Pie out loud at some point, to the embarrassment of myself and those around me.
Pumpkin pie
Pumpkin pie
Pumpkin pumpkin pumpkin pie
(repeat)
* Of course, I don’t actually know this firsthand: even if I had ever been to a Thanksgiving where alcohol was served, OBVIOUSLY my Thanksgivings are spent in the kitchen.
