A—An ennui-imal™.

Like this guy at Shugborough Estate who is, in fact, awake here:

Or this guy, sullenly building Hadrian’s wall at Birdoswald:

Though he may just be sad that someone stole his mustache:

Or these ladies at the Kelvingrove Art Gallery and Museum in Glasgow:

Reading Aloud (from the most uninteresting book of all time) by Albert Moore.

The museum is split up into “life” and “expression,” the former of which is OMG GIANT SPIDER GIANT SPIDER!!

Yes, this is a specimen of the world’s largest spider, the Goliath bird-eating spider (Theraphosa blondi), alternatively known as the Goliath man-eating spider. It can grow to a legspan of 12 inches across, with fangs an inch long, which come in handy when it’s killing and eating mice. And birds. And men, apparently. This particular fellow is about the size of my (totally normal-sized) hand, but his relatively diminutive size does not make Stephan like him any better.

Kelvingrove also featured an organ recital in the afternoon, which was enhanced by two live videos of what the organist’s feet and hands were doing, which made it so much more interesting. Did I mention that the entire museum was free and also awesome?

Last but not least, a speciman of this little guy, the elusive wild haggis (Haggis scoticus). A creature native to the Scottish Highlands, two of his legs are shorter than the others, allowing him to easily traverse the steep slopes of his natural habitat. The object next to him is an example of a prepared haggis, available in fine Scottish grocery stores everywhere (primarily Scotland).

There was some other stuff, like art and galleries, but why don’t you just go back and feast your eyes on that delicious haggis for a while. Yum yum!

National Portrait Gallery which, among other things, houses all of those portraits of Henry VIII’s wives that you see in books and never actually realized were real, also this one that I inexplicably love.

Imperial War Museum was disturbing on several levels, even with skipping the Holocaust and crimes against humanity exhibits, but I do love the old posters:

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Tower Bridge, which featured a thrilling and historical video reenactment of a committee discussion and very helpful and informative guides who told us that the bridge is painted every 5 years, and is scraped back to the metal every (insert larger number here) years, though they are making an off-schedule exception to spruce things up for 2012 (London Olympics and the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee).

Saw Young Victoria in a theater just up the street from Kensington Palace and experienced the concessionary joy that is pick ‘n’ mix.

National History Museum, aka strong contender for most beautiful building ever, for the Wildlife Photographer of the Year exhibit:

Science Museum, Stephan’s new love and one that I was wholly anticipating not liking all that much, but then I hung out in the history of mathematics exhibit (I know, right?) and learned how to use a slide rule and about how Charles Babbage’s Difference Engine (i.e., first computer) didn’t perform its first error-free calculation until some other smart people modified it to do so in honor of his 200th birthday (1991).

Monument to the Great Fire of London, world’s tallest freestanding stone column (202 feet), built to commemorate the Great Fire and, sneakily, to double as a scientific observatory—for example, each of the 311 steps was built exactly 6 inches tall for sneaky barometric pressure studying purposes.

Kensington Gardens/Hyde Park, home to the slightly ridiculous Animals in War Memorial, which, yeah, I get it: “They Had No Choice,” but seriously—while I like animals (especially the cute kind) as much as the next person, I can’t help but think of several much better ways to spend £1.4 million, maybe even to help animals that are currently alive (note: I have no such issues with memorializing, you know, actual people).

The most innocuous Starbucks of all time, on our long-way-round walk to Westminster Bridge:

Chirk Castle, site of my first real-life “ha-ha,” a landscaping feature that is basically a ditch sloping down to the bottom of a fence whose top is level with the ground on the other side—the garden side can’t see the fence, but the sheep (or whatever) on the other side can’t get over it without a concerted effort and/or running leap (note: not likely).

Snowdon Horseshoe, Wales’ highest mountain and the ridge walk/scramble on either side of it (well, kind of—we somehow missed the turnoff to the first half of the ridge, so we ended up taking the trail beneath it):

Scafell Pike, England’s highest point and whose ascent inspired my new hiking goal of Making It To The Top Before The Smoker I’ve Been Pacing:

Glencoe, site of the Glencoe Massacre (of MacDonalds, by Campbells) during the Jacobite Risings. Also the site of where I bought a real cute coin purse in the gift shop (green flavor):

Rare Breed Croft, featuring all sorts of tiny baby sheep and a Highland cow named Katie.

Eilean Donan Castle, which we didn’t actually visit, but we stayed in a hotel across the street (and a field, and car park, and some water) from it—it’s not quite as isolated as the assorted movies that feature it would like you to believe, though it does take some doing to get to that part of Scotland:

Armadale Castle + Museum of the Isles on the Isle of Skye, which I have a feeling will be seeing a lot more of us (the isle, that is).

Witnessed a car accident that involved the car in question swerving into our lane, overcorrecting, launching off a boulder on its own side of the road, flipping over in the air, and landing on its back/trunk before finally coming to a stop facing the road right side up–like something out of a movie, only in the movies you never see the results because these sorts of things only happen to whomever is chasing the good guy, so I half expected the car to be unmanned. It wasn’t. The driver is presumably in hospital somewhere.

Edinburgh Castle, featuring a mural on the way to view the Honours of Scotland that includes, near the bottom, a tiny gnome peeing on the leg of a stool.

Alnwick Castle + Gardens, home of the Duke of Northumberland and family, whose wealth, according to the New York Times includes “120,000 acres of land, 171 tenant farms and 700 houses and cottages, along with Alnwick Castle, with its collections of Meissen china, Louis XIV furniture and paintings by Titian, Caneletto and Van Dyke. According to The Sunday Times of London, the duke is the 270th richest person in Britain, with a fortune estimated at £300 million.” Which is why I personally am not a big fan of being asked for an additional £1 pound donation to the garden charity, whatever that does, in addition to the £17.50 I’m already paying for the privilege of visiting. Seriously.

Chesters Roman Fort + Hadrian’s Wall, featuring an early example of radiated floor heating:

That’s all so far! We’re off for walkies and our first Shugborough visit of the season.